I can text with my tongue
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
