There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
