I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
