I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
