did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize