u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
