Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
