im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think your dad took our porno
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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