literally had 100 drinks last night.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
