Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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