So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
