If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
