My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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