I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I supernannyed him into submission
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
