Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
