I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
