I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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