i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize