I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
