I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
