Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
