Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
