I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
