if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
