Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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