just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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