omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
