i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
