Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize