You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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