if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
