if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
