You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's never too late to be topless.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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