im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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