Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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