she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
