why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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