Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
