Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
