did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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