he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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