Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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