conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
