forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize