Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Girls should come with a carfax report
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
