Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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