at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
