dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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