Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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