I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
