Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
