Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
