It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
