My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
