Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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