if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
